


like an arrow going through my heart

by stickmarionette



Category: Hustlers (2019)
Genre: Character Study, Coda, F/F, Pining, Reconciliation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-16
Updated: 2019-12-16
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:20:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21818053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stickmarionette/pseuds/stickmarionette
Summary: There's a world in which they never see each other again, where they're just chapters in each other's tell-alls. If it was all up to Destiny, that would probably be it. She's never been good at connecting with people, even when she wants to. Maybe especially when she wants to.People flutter out in and out of her life all the time with barely a pause for thought or memory, and she's never minded it. That's just how it is. She's not the type to look back. But no matter how she tries she can never stamp out the part of her that belongs to Ramona. It'd be like cutting off a limb.All the same, she almost throws her phone clean across the room when she sees Ramona's name come up.
Relationships: Destiny (Hustlers)/Ramona Vega
Comments: 13
Kudos: 78
Collections: Yuletide 2019





	like an arrow going through my heart

**Author's Note:**

  * For [YankingAwry](https://archiveofourown.org/users/YankingAwry/gifts).



> Dear recipient, thank you for requesting this wonderful movie. I hope I've done your prompt justice.
> 
> Thanks to shihadchick for beta reading. Any remaining mistakes are my fault.
> 
> Title from Miss You Much by Janet Jackson.

> _The last time I spoke to Destiny, she seemed to be well on track to getting her life back together. She was learning to trade stocks and doing some sales work in the meantime. Everything was coming up Destiny._
> 
> _Still, when I asked her if she'd do it all again, knowing what she knew now, her answer was immediate._
> 
> _"Of course not."_

**[2015]**

What a dumb question. What else was Destiny meant to say? She's respectable now. White pantsuits and subtle eye make-up and good china. She looks as far as it's possible to look from someone who'd drug your drink. She dares anyone to look at her and even associate her with grand larceny and attempted assault.

It hasn't been easy, but she's made a fresh start. She should try not to dwell on it. Leave it all behind.

But then she'll find herself thinking, at the weirdest times, _wait til I tell Ramona about this_ or _I wonder what Ramona thinks of this_ and then she'll remember that she's not allowed to think that anymore. That she chose to give that up years ago. (No matter how brutal a choice, it was still her choice.)

There's a world in which they never see each other again, where they're just chapters in each other's tell-alls. If it was all up to Destiny, that would probably be it. She's never been good at connecting with people, even when she wants to. Maybe especially when she wants to.

People flutter out in and out of her life all the time with barely a pause for thought or memory, and she's never minded it. That's just how it is. She's not the type to look back. But no matter how she tries she can never stamp out the part of her that belongs to Ramona. It'd be like cutting off a limb.

All the same, she almost throws her phone clean across the room when she sees Ramona's name come up.

> Ramona: Do u mean it?

She does, and she'd swear to it. Had kind of swore to it. Sometimes she still lays awake at night wondering what the fuck she'd gotten herself into.

Thing is, Ramona didn't trick her into anything. All she did was give Destiny a choice, an opportunity. Destiny was the one who grabbed at it with both hands. Because she was desperate, sure. But if she's honest with herself, that hadn't been the only reason. Far from it.

In a fit of spite, she types out _yep_.

And why not? Look at the wreckage those choices made of her life. They fucked up and have the criminal records to prove it. She'd be crazy not to have regrets. Normal to feel a little resentful, assign a bit of blame and want to do some damage with it.

It would feel good - and then it wouldn't. It'd be like if Ramona reached out a hand and she slapped it.

She deletes it. Hesitates.

> Destiny: Maybe

Maybe if they hadn't gotten caught, they would've just drifted apart over time, the lingering resentment over their increasingly frequent fights bleeding over into every interaction, the silences between them slowly growing longer. One day they'd almost be strangers. That at least would be less painful than this.

Or maybe it'd be be worse. At least this way Destiny knows Ramona probably thinks about her sometimes, even if it's just to be mad.

Her thumb hovers over her phone for what feels like a pathetically long time. When she finally hits send it feels more like an involuntary spasm than a choice.

Ramona's reply comes in less than a minute.

> Ramona: Bearcub misses u and Lily

Juliet's smart and kind and she's got the world's brightest smile. A great kid, in Destiny's mind's eye. Barely a kid anymore, though - she'd almost be done with high school by now, and there's a sharp pang in that. Destiny's missed so much.

> Dorothy: tell her I miss her too
> 
> Ramona: hows Lily? she remember me?
> 
> Dorothy: I'll send you a pic
> 
> Ramona: shes so big!!! beautiful girl
> 
> Ramona: shes got your smile

Hell, she sees Lily everyday and still feels like it's not enough, that she's stuck on fast forward, just reaching out and grabbing what she can to turn into memory.

Lily's brilliant, too precocious in a way that reminds Destiny of herself. She remembers everything even when Destiny wishes she wouldn't.

When everything died down she'd been clingy at first, scared that men were going to come take her mom away again any minute. She'd only sleep in Destiny's bed, and sometimes Destiny would wake up with Lily's hand gripping her so tight she left marks.

At first she was so quiet it was scary. And when she finally spoke, it was to ask questions Destiny couldn't answer. Once she blurted out _I miss Auntie Mona_ as they were playing with her dollhouse, and Destiny almost broke the toy oven she was holding.

"Don't. Don't talk about Auntie Mona anymore."

"But - "

"Stop it," Destiny had snapped, and then she felt like the worst person in the world when Lily flinched back. Just because she couldn't hear Ramona's name without feeling like a pit had opened in her gut - Lily didn't have anything to do with that.

Lily's still allowed to miss her Auntie Mona, even if Destiny isn't.

She'd thought when they parted at the courthouse that it had to be the end, and Ramona probably did too.

But what if it doesn't have to be? She's never been allowed a second chance at anything. She's not sure she deserves it.

**[2014]**

"Can I ask you something?" Elizabeth says hesitantly.

Destiny tamps down a laugh. "Isn't that what you've been doing?"

She's aiming to pierce that professional veneer, just a little, just like when she'd made Elizabeth that cup of tea - the look on her face! - but no dice.

Elizabeth leans forward, intent as ever. "It's not for the article, I just want to know. What did you think Ramona was going to say about you?"

It's amazing how quickly the words crowd her throat.

"Not going in the article," Destiny repeats, just to prevent herself from blurting it all out.

"No." Elizabeth even clicks off the tape recorder.

"I don't know. Blame me for everything, maybe. Call me an ungrateful bitch and a traitor. I took the deal. She'd never snitch. She'd do whatever it took, rock up at the trial dressed to the nines, all convinced she was gonna charm the judge and jury out of trouble."

Elizabeth smiles like she's picturing it and finding it surprisingly plausible. "Do you believe that?"

"I used to think Ramona could do anything."

She's just one of those people. Always in control, always looking for an angle. She probably can't help it.

All Destiny wanted was a little of that control for herself, at least at first.

**[2011]**

Some of the cops were nice to her when they weren't threatening her with jail time, or gawking at her like she was some sort of succubus.

One of the better ones said to her once, almost gently, "You're not a bad person. You just got led astray."

"Are you asking me?" Destiny says, surprised.

His interest doesn't seem gross, unlike some of the others. It reads like genuine curiosity, even if it's the morbid kind.

"You're smart, you're not a junkie, you've got no criminal record. Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why not make an honest living?"

Destiny keeps her poker face in place with an effort. She really wants to laugh. "Maybe one day we can go for a drink and I'll tell you the story."

It gets even harder not to laugh when his face pales in alarm.

"Ah, no, no, thank you."

She puts on her best knock 'em dead smile. "You said it yourself, remember? I'm not that type of girl."

**[2015]**

"Hi, you've reached Dorothy's phone. Please leave me a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can. Thanks!"

_"Hey, it's me. Are you good? Did they call you about the TV show? If you're worried about me, don't. Just take the money. Get a lawyer, make sure it's a good deal. I've got some contacts if you need, just shout out. Call me."_

It's been so long that Ramona's voice, warm and comfortably familiar as if the last four years didn't happen, sends a jolt down her spine. The urge to call back immediately is so strong Destiny's fingers are moving before she knows it.

Ramona picks up within 2 rings, before Destiny even has time to second-guess and hang up like a loser.

"Dorothy? Is that you?"

It's as uncertain as she's ever heard Ramona and it makes her bold.

"Who else would I be?"

There's that warm chuckle she hasn't heard in too long. "it's good to hear your voice."

"You too," Destiny admits. "They call you about this TV show too?"

"Yeah, just this week. Isn't it funny?"

It is kind of funny that what they did is just appalling enough for television.

"Are you going to say yes?"

"Probably. Trying to work out terms. Are you?"

"Same here." She pauses. Then all in a rush, "What did you think of the article?" It's not what Destiny wants to ask but it's as close as she can come to it right now.

There's a lengthy silence, so long that Destiny starts getting fidgety; maybe Ramona's thinking better of this already, remembering why they haven't spoken in so long, the wedge that's driven them so far apart.

"It's well written. You can tell she felt sorry for us - or you, at least. It almost sounds like I got you into it. That's not how I remember it."

Destiny can picture Ramona's little smile, like it's a joke, and it drives her up the wall.

"We hurt people, Ramona."

Ramona lets out a distinctly unimpressed snort. "When did you start caring? Before or after Court?"

"Some of them didn't do shit to us," Destiny says flatly. She even means it, mostly.

Sure, even in the days before, sometimes the job felt grubby and degrading. The guys could be jerks. But Ramona made it seem glamorous and cool. She made better things seem possible, which made it impossible to see just how far the corrosive parts of it had eaten into her, the little insults and humiliations she'd long ago turned into armor.

It spills out now in her voice, rich with the sharp edges Destiny admired a lot and feared a little. "I've been listening to them talk for years. They don't even think we're real people. So I don't care about them. Is that so bad? I know things got a little crazy - "

"A little?" Destiny says incredulously.

Ramona laughs, and even though she's spitting mad Destiny feels a pang, missing her. "Okay, a lot. I got tunnel vision, hurt people I care about. I am sorry about that."

"You scared me," Destiny says, in a very small voice.

"I know."

"I'm sorry."

"I know, baby."

There's a strange tone in Ramona's voice she's never heard before. Destiny had kind of been primed for a fight; she doesn't know what to do with this.

"Maybe I shouldn't have called."

"No, no, it's good that you did," Ramona says, warm and sweet like maple syrup. "You could've called me anytime, Dorothy. I mean it."

Destiny bites her lip against a sob that suddenly wants to burst from her chest. She's not strong enough to resist this. She's never been strong enough. Ramona enveloped her whole when they first met and she's never seen daylight since.

She takes a couple of breaths to calm down.

"Dorothy? You there?" Ramona asks, very soft. She sounds worried.

"Yeah. I...I'm glad I called," Destiny admits.

"There we go. What are you up to?"

Is it that easy? Maybe it is.

"Some direct sales stuff a friend got me into. Oh, guess what? I'm really teaching myself to trade stocks. Can't be that hard if those Wall Street idiots can do it."

"You'll get it. You've always been smart," Ramona says easily, and it's been so long since anybody had that kind of unconditional faith in her, let alone said so, let alone someone she'd turned her back on.

She can only try and keep it at arms length; the alternative feels like it might break something vital.

"I know. What are you doing these days?"

"Retail. Sucked for a bit, but then my manager got fired for stealing money - it was only a couple grand a month to feed his gambling habit, can you believe the idiot? Anyway, I got the job." Ramona says, all matter-of-fact as if it's no big deal and took no effort.

Ramona was always going to land on her feet. She can make anything work for her. If she had any business sense at all she'd be more formidable than any of those Wall Street guys.

Destiny always thought she'd be pretty good on Wall Street herself, if she'd had a different start in life. Can't be much harder than managing her own criminal enterprise.

What a team they'd made.

_We're the untouchables. Like Kobe and Shaq._

"Ramona?"

"Yeah?"

"You didn't trick me into anything. I was right there with you."

**[2015]**

Talking to Ramona helps; there's no longer a constant churning pit of guilt and anger and god knows what else in her stomach. But the other problem's worse, back with a vengeance. She keeps wondering what Ramona's doing, what she's thinking, if Destiny's on her mind the way she's on Destiny's.

She even goes past Ramona's store a couple of times, walking extra slow and staring inside like a creep, but she can't make herself go in.

She doesn't know what she'd do. She's never sure on her footing around Ramona, because she's never met anyone like her.

**[2011]**

They're in Ramona's Escalade, waiting for Mercedes to work her magic.

"Where's Annabelle tonight?" Destiny says. They can't have their girls getting all flaky at a time like this, especially when half their contractors are in rehab or jail.

"Her cat's at the emergency vet, poor thing. I told her to take the night off," Ramona replies, still mostly absorbed in shopping on her phone.

"I didn't know she got a cat."

"What, she hasn't made you look at photos all night?" Ramona says, and she's making fun but there's such infectious affection behind it.

She's like this so many of the girls, and as far as Destiny can tell it's genuine every time. And they all adore her, of course, who wouldn't? They all act like sunflowers seeking the sun everytime she's around.

Destiny can't imagine giving so much of herself to so many people. She's got friends - she'd call Annabelle a friend, anybody whose hair she's held while she vomited into a bag counts - but for her it never feels natural the way it looks for Ramona.

"I guess I don't seem like the caring and sharing type, huh."

Something in her tone makes Ramona turn to look at her. "Does it bother you? You don't act like it bothers you."

It's what it is and she's who she is.

Destiny shakes her head, puts on a smile. "It's okay. You're the only friend I need."

**[2015]**

The next time Ramona calls, Destiny picks up.

"Everything okay?"

"Yeah. Guess what?"

Destiny's smiling despite herself. "What?"

"Juliet got a scholarship! She's been having kind of a rough time of it, and she wasn't going to apply but I said you don't know if you don't try, so she did! She's so happy."

Ramona sounds so thrilled and so proud that Destiny feels a pang in her chest. So much of what she knows about being a good mom, she learned from watching Ramona and Juliet.

Muffled in the background, she can hear a girlish voice squeal _mooooooom, stop bragging about me!_

Ramona laughs. "Who else am I gonna brag about, Juju? I gotta tell Auntie Dorothy."

Still muffled, but coming closer, she hears Juliet's soft voice. "Oh, okay. Hi Auntie Dorothy!"

"Hi sweetie!" Destiny says reflectively.

"Now go to do your homework. Shout if you need help," Ramona says to her. And then she's back on the phone. "Anyway, how's sales?"

Of course she remembers.

"It's okay. Lots of wining and dining and smiling, you know how it is." Sometimes it feels as grubby as dancing ever did, just in nicer clothes. But most things are like that, she's finding. "Benny says I'm doing great, though. He's the one who helped me get this job."

"New boyfriend?" Ramona asks, in a tone that makes Destiny picture her arched eyebrows.

Destiny laughs. "No way. I'm not getting sucked into that again. Men just aren't worth the hassle."

She's never had a good relationship, not really. She doesn't know how to be vulnerable and they always end up resentful. Anyway, love's for kids and fairytales. It's a sickness just like motherhood, and far less rewarding at that.

Ramona lets out something close to a cackle. "Now you're learning. Can I tell you something?"

"Yeah."

They used to talk like this all the time, about everything and nothing, the way best friends were meant to do (or so Destiny thought, though she'd never really had one to compare Ramona to).

"Never liked Johnny. Got bad vibes off him from the jump."

"You never said," Destiny says, blank with surprise.

Ramona had in fact steadfastly refrained from commenting on her relationship with Johnny at all, aside from offering Destiny a shoulder to cry on when she had a blow-out fight with him.

"Course not. Didn't think it was my place. You would've just got mad at me and did it anyway," Ramona says lightly.

"...maybe." That certainly sounds like her usual reaction to being told not to do something. But Ramona's not some random authority figure for her to take out her issues on, and surely she knows that. Surely. "I wouldn't have minded if you did say something."

"Yeah? That's good to know. I'll remember that."

Then again, from the subtle quaver in Ramona's voice, maybe not. Maybe Destiny should've made it clearer all those years ago.

**[2007]**

Johnny's not the first time she's made probably bad decisions because of a cute boy, just the latest. He's a decent guy. He puts up with plenty of her shit.

It's probably bad that she thinks about it like that.

He'd seemed so chill when they first met, like nothing could get to him. It was refreshingly different from the clingy boys she'd dated as a kid, and that fooled her into thinking she was a grown-up making good grown-up choices.

She hadn't dated seriously since she started stripping, and even though she's heard all the cautionary tales from Tracey and the others, it somehow still surprises her when he gets needy and weird.

_I just wanna know what's going on with you. You never tell me anything, babe. I ain't psychic._

She never knows what to tell him, is the thing. By the time she sees him she's usually well and truly sick of making conversation for men, making herself appealing and soothing their egos. She's got nothing left for him.

*

"Wanna go shopping tomorrow?" Ramona says as Destiny's putting on lip gloss.

"I can't, sorry, I promised Johnny I'd go over to his place."

She can see Lizzie's eyebrows go up from across the room. "Wait, wait, who's Johnny?"

"Destiny's got a boyfriend," Mercedes replies, drawing out the last word like taffy.

"What's he like, is he cute? He must be cute if he's good enough for Destiny," Tracey says, with a sly sideways look at Ramona.

Destiny rolls her eyes even as Ramona winds her arms around her from behind and kisses her on the cheek. "No boy is good enough for my Dorothy."

Destiny shivers even as she's breaking into giggles. "Stop it."

"What? I mean it," Ramona says imperiously. She drops another kiss on Destiny's forehead before striding away.

"Ah, it's like that," Mercedes says, her grin growing wider in the face of Destiny's confusion.

"Like what? Mercedes - "

Mercedes stares at her for what feels like a long time before leaning in, her voice low, barely audible among the din in the dressing room. "You don't know? You look at her like she's breakfast, lunch and dinner, but you don't know. Huh."

Destiny can feel herself flush under the makeup. "Shush."

"Don't worry, I'm not a snitch," Mercedes says. She even mimes zipping her mouth.

*

It's like that and it's not.

Ramona always has tampons and painkillers if anyone needs them. She's helped Destiny into and out of clothes hundreds of times and can do her hair in ten seconds flat. She gives great hugs. Putting her head on Ramona's shoulder always makes the world feel okay even if it really isn't.

If Destiny's guilty of looking at Ramona like she's the moon and stars, she dares anyone else to do anything different.

**[2015]**

In all that time when they were as intimate as lovers 6 days a week, they never fucked, never even kissed, though there were so many moments it could've happened, when all she had to do was lean in.

Destiny never even thought about it. Too close to the transactional shit they did for the men in the clubs.

If they had, it wouldn't have been transactional. It'd feel like she was back on that rooftop, folded into Ramona's warmth, untouchable by the dirt and grime and cold. She wouldn't make it feel cheap or dirty. She'd make Destiny feel like a million bucks. Like she was her whole world.

Okay, so maybe she had thought about it, but in the same way she thought about other impossible things, things she was better off not wanting because losing it was worse than not having it at all.

She didn't want to need anybody and she already needed Ramona more than anybody else.

A couple of times she'd thought someday. Maybe someday I'll reach out, and she'll reach back. We have all the time in the world.

> _Ramona speaks wistfully of Destiny, more like some great lost love driven apart by fate than a partner in crime._
> 
> _"We used to wonder what it'd be like if we'd met earlier, you know," she told me, and laughed off any suggestion that they could've passed like ships in the night if they hadn't met under such particular circumstances._
> 
> _"No way. You live long enough, you know some things are just meant to be."_

She's read this part enough times that she could probably recite it, that it's a little embarrassing. It still takes her a while to bring it up to Ramona.

"You know what you said in the article - "

"I say a few things, you gotta be more specific," Ramona says, light and playing it off, but there's caution behind it too.

"About us," Destiny bites out.

"I meant it, you know. That doesn't change just because shit went down."

For a moment she's brave enough, she's going to say it, but the words just won't come out, and she's paused too long -

"I went by your work a few weeks back," she offers instead.

"You should've stopped in!" Ramona says brightly. "Or better, text me before, I've got weird hours. Some guy from head office got wind of my story and they thought me going straight was inspirational. So I've been giving these talks. You know, like that Wolf of Wall Street guy. Jordan-what's-his-name."

"But prettier."

"You know it."

Invincible Ramona, still untouchable. There's a winnow of bitterness at the thought.

"I knew you'd land on your feet somehow, no matter how big of a mess it got to. You weren't ever even a little scared."

She means for it to come out evenly, but it doesn't, not even close.

"You really blame me, huh," Ramona says, in a voice scraped clean of all inflection.

"It's not that. I just - I wish you'd listened."

Ramona sighs. "You think it was Dawn? She really sold us out?"

"Course she did."

"I just like to give people the benefit of the doubt."

Destiny lets out an extremely unladylike snort. "You like strays. The more wretched the better."

As much as Destiny disdained the collection of junkies and ex-cons Ramona couldn't stop collecting, as much as it made her crazy to see Ramona put her arm around an unreliable ditz like Dawn, she never forgot she wasn't better than them. She'd started out the same way.

What Ramona did for her in the beginning, just because she asked, that was bigger than anything that followed. Try as Destiny might in her more resentful moments, she can never scrub that out.

There's a lengthy pause. Then Ramona asks, very carefully, "Is that what you think this is? Because it's not, baby. You're no stray."

"You had me figured out in five seconds flat. Just one like of your Wall Street marks," Destiny says. It comes out in a hoarse whisper.

"No way. You always surprised me. You saw shit I didn't. You're tough. So smart, and you never give anything away. That's why I knew we had to be friends. I knew it from the beginning." Ramona sounds like she's holding back tears. "And I was right, wasn't I? We were good. We are good."

She always knows exactly what Destiny needs to hear, what will sink its hooks in and pry her heart open.

Destiny has to sit up and gulp in a breath before she can speak. "After - after everything - I thought you hated me."

"I could never hate you," Ramona says quietly.

"Liar," Destiny mutters.

The last time she saw Ramona had been at the sentencing hearing, and Destiny spent it staring straight ahead, willing herself not to turn and look at Ramona every time her name was mentioned.

Ramona didn't look at her once the whole time. She just faced forward, her perfect features carved from stone, and Destiny's heart split with every glance, and her spine turned to ice.

She's shivering now just remembering it.

"I mean I was mad for a while, don't get me wrong," Ramona says casually, into the leaden silence. "But you gotta do what's best for you and Lily."

"You're - you're not disappointed?" Destiny asks in a very small voice.

The response comes immediately. "No. I'm proud of you, remember?"

Destiny draws in a deep breath so she doesn't sob outright. She can't speak. Luckily Ramona seems to know. "Stop beating yourself up, okay?"

She's tired of fighting. Maybe it's okay for her to need one person.

"You too. Let's just - get a coffee or something, I don't know. I'll try not to have a breakdown."

"We could do that. Or - "

Her doorbell rings.

 _Oh god, I'm not dressed for this_ , she thinks, absurdly, even as she hurries to the door on suddenly wobbly legs.

"Got a light?"

Ramona framed in the doorway of Destiny's boring respectable suburban house in jeans and a sweatshirt is the most amazing thing she's ever seen. Suddenly she can't quite breathe.

"Yeah," Destiny says dumbly. She reaches out to pull Ramona inside, and then they're hugging so tight she can barely breathe before the door's even shut.

Ramona pulls back after a long moment. Her eyes are wet. "I missed you so much."

"I lied. I don't regret it. Any of it." What would her life have been without Ramona in it? Who would she even be? "I just - "

"What? C'mon. You know you can tell me."

"It's stupid. Stupid little girl dreams."

Ramona smiles her invincible smile. She never wants to go another day without seeing that smile. "Bet you it's not. C'mere."

Then they're kissing and oh, this is what it's meant to be like, there's nothing else on earth except for Ramona's lips on hers, and not wanting it to end.

This is it. She's home, she's allowed to want it, and she'll fight to keep it.

**Author's Note:**

> Parts of this were inspired by the article [The Hustlers at Scores](https://jessicapressler.com/the-hustlers-at-scores/498) (the source material for the movie).
> 
> Thank you for reading. Comments are greatly appreciated.


End file.
